Restless

It's difficult to explain...

the type of 'Restless', I'm feeling these days.

Find myself...suiting up, for Battle, again.

: (

I, so...dislike friction, and confrontation.

Sadly, sometimes....it simply, can't be avoided.

The last four years...my life has been consumed, with friction..

and, confrontation.

: (

It was all....Literally dumped in my lap.

It's been difficult to function.

The Rabbit Hole, my business...has struggled, with my absence.

I'm not a Lawyer....or, an Engineer.

I'm The Mad...Hatter, and...I sure wish, I could find my way...back to the Insanity, 

of The Rabbit Hole.

Livin' in 'This'...'Twilight Zone', is no place...for me.

: (

I've had Friends tell me, they...never would've taken this 'Mess'...with the City of Fairfax, and the IDOT, on.

They've all watched, what it's done to me, and....worry, about my health.

: (

 Stress is a Killer, they say.

I, know...it's true.

but...

I couldn't live...with myself, if I walked away, without fighting for what's right.

 Dad...always told me, if I know in my heart, I've done my best...I should never have any regrets.

Regrets, are mighty tuff...to live with. 

There's So Much...'Wrong', that's happened with this Highway 151 Project, in front of our Home...

I'm.Dizzied by it.

: (

It's stolen...four years of my life, senselessly. 

It promises to do more damage, to many others...in the future, left as planned.

Common Sense, has been thrown out the window.

I, can't walk to the rabbit hole, anymore.

Haven't since last year.

It's been deserted...because, I...can't Stand, to see the Wrongful Butchering, of Everything John worked his life...away, for.

Can't look out the windows.

I'm Grateful...when I work away, from what used to be... 'Home'.

I'm Grateful...at night, when I can't see...out the windows.

I refer to 'Home'...as 'Hell', anymore.

It's not about the chaos, and road construction....

it's about the 'Purpose', of the road construction...next to our Home.

A Walking Trail....Bike Trail,

that nobody, should ever, ever...ever, set foot on.

: (

When the City refused to conduct an Independent Safety Study, concerning their Trail Plan,

{after they finally admitted, there was one..}

 even...if I, paid for it....

and...

Council, at Open Public Meetings, stated they wouldn't allow 'their' Children, or Grandchildren, to walk on Fairfax's Future Trail...next to Highway 151, and, it was The Parent's Responsibility..to keep their Children Off of it...

I, knew...there was more to this, than a 'Trail'.

{The IDOT, wouldn't..conduct a Safety Study, for Pedestrians...either.

I...Begged, them All. }

: (

Then, at the last minute, of our Condemnation...found an Amazing Lawyer, that took the Trail Plans, out....of the Highway project in front of our Home.

; )

Saved so many Trees, and Land...and, saved me, from watching someone, die....while riding their bike, or...walking, in front of our Home.

{One of the most Dangerous Stretches of Highway 151, in Linn County, Iowa...

 says the University of Northern Iowa's Safety Study, for Traffic, conducted...for, the IDOT.

I've Seen Enough Death, in front of our Home.}

However...the IDOT was Still...taking far more land, than what was necessary, according to the Engineer who designed this project, without Fairfax's Trail, and only for 'Highway Improvement'.

That..worried me.

So....I've been paying close attention.

: ( 

Against our Recorded Settlement Agreement, that states 'There Shall be No Trail accommodations on the Bridge adjoining our property, or on any of the land taken for this project...'

 The IDOT, is Building Fairfax's Trail, anyway, on the bridge...and, has made the massive bridge's elevation, much higher, to accommodate Fairfax's other Trail, under it.

: (

I've watched them, day...after day....build it.

: (

I've questioned it, over...and over, with the IDOT, and the Contractors...

They keep building, and simply...ignore my concerns.

They might as well be sticking needles...in my eyes.

so....

Yes,

I'm Suitin' Up...for Battle, one more time.

Pray....for me.

<3

I, just want to get back to the normal...stress, and...insanity.

I'd like to worry, about covid, and...spend time with my Family, and...Friends.

I'd like...to be able to work, and get tired..worn out, moving, and hauling...too much.

: )

I...just want to 'feel', again.

I...miss, my life.

What used...to be, my life, before Fairfax, thought they needed a Trail, next to 151, and..the IDOT, District 6 Office, went along with 'em.

As I'm writing, I'm thinking....of a quote, I'd read...long ago.

"When it is all finished...you will discover, it was never random."

The Lord, Shines...His Light, in the darkest of places.

When this all...unfolds, unravels...

somehow, 

I Know...it'll all, make perfect sense.

<3

Love...to Ya, 

Barb C.

{When this battle, is over, 

{I'd like to say 'Won', but...it's too late, for 'Winning'. 

Too much irreparable damage, on every single level. : ( }

I'll be writing a book about it all. 

Nobody, should ever have to go through what we have. 

Ever. }

<3 <3 <3 

I had an Alison Krauss Tune, picked out...for this post, and...I'll post it, but....with the Sad Passing, of Charlie Daniels, today...I'm posting one of His...Too. <3 

It, also..seemed Very Fittin'. : ) 

{I've never been a 'Pot Smoker'..

but, over the last several years, I've leaned, a little long, and... hard,

 on Tequila. ; )

I believe me, and Charlie...would've 'understood' one another...anyway. ; )

<3 <3 <3 

He...was an Amazing Artist.

 A Gift, to us all. <3 <3 <3 }

Chris Stapleton - Fire Away(Lyrics)

Rear Back... Take Aim. Fire....away.

You'd better hope, and Pray...

ya take me down, with the First Shot...

because...

You, won't get a second chance... 

Boys.  ; )

Took the Crippled...Gypsy Truck, and visited 6, of 10...of our Grandchildren...today.

<3 <3 <3 

Amazing...

'Little Women'.

 Priceless. <3 

They climbed in The Old...Gypsy, without a Thought. <3 

{She's a 'Tall'...Gal. <3 } 

Jack, didn't want Grandma....and, Gypsy..to leave, this Evening.

: (

<3 <3 <3 

It Took Everything we Had...to get Jack out of the Old...Ford.

<3

Who knew, a broken...old...Ford, could bring so Much...Joy.

<3

{I...did. <3 }

I'm gonna have to Suit Up, in the morning.

Big Battle, ahead.

I suppose...folks wonder, why...I'm so stubborn.

: )

Look at these Faces.

<3

oh...my.

People, can crap all over me, all day long.

Don't mess with our Children, Grandchildren...or, anyone...else's.

Wish, I had a 7.3 Power Stroke, like The Gypsy's... under my hood.

: )

{She's Damned Stout...'Broken', and....Loved, Dearly....as you can see. <3 }

Here's what I've Got.

Truth..

and,

Love.

<3 <3 <3 

Fire Away...

Boys.

; )

Love...to Ya.

Barb C. 

John Denver - Take Me Home, Country Roads (Audio)

Take me Home...

Me and The Gypsy Ford....

hit the Road, yesterday.

We wandered aimlessly, for hours....

on the back roads.

<3

Kicked up a Lot...of Dust.

<3 <3 <3

It was toasty, around 90, the Gypsy's air doesn't work....but, that's o.k.

Like Dad, I'm not much for running the air.

Prefer the Fresh Air.

<3

The Old...Gypsy, seemed to forget how 'ill', she is....and ran like a Top.

<3 

Guess...she digs the back roads...too.

<3

We spent most of our time...in Benton County, Iowa.

Love that area.

Spent many years there, growing up.

Went by my 'Happy Place', the Farm...near Keystone...I lived at when I was 7.

<3

Sadly, it's been gone for decades, but...I can still see it, standing Tall, and welcoming me Home.

While driving through Newhall, an elderly Man, waved us down, at a four way stop.

He was lost, and seemed very perplexed.

He was trying to find his way to Shellsburg, he'd gotten directions from someone many miles before, and was turned all around.

: (

I told him, it was his lucky day....I was heading to Shellsburg, myself...and to follow me. : )

So...we made our way to Shellsburg.

: )

Dad hired an elderly Lady, to watch over me...in Shellsburg, when I was 8, when he couldn't take me to work with him, that Summer.

She had a Barn, behind her home...where I kept my Pony, Joe.

I'd ride him to the Lazy 'H' Tavern...in Shellsburg, most every day...tie him out front, go inside, and with the change Dad gave me, I'd play the Jukebox, 'Take me Home, Country Roads'...over, and over.

{It reminded me of my 'Happy Place', near Keystone, we had to leave...the year before. }

Those poor Ladies, that worked there...must've about lost their minds.

<3

Often, they'd give me a piece of Pie, or...a Burger, they 'had' to get rid of. 

'It was going to go to waste...if I didn't eat it', they'd say.

<3 

I'm glad....the elderly Man, pointed us....that way.

Then, The Gypsy, and me...found the Gravel, again.

We covered...many, many...many....miles.

Iowa, is So Beautiful.

On our last stretch...

we hit the Back Roads, on blacktop.

I began seeing Tractors, at nearly every Farm...adorned with American Flags.

<3

My Heart...Swelled, with Pride.

Brings tears to my eyes...still.

<3

I...sadly, haven't had much to feel 'Proud'...about, for a long, long...time,

 watching up close, and personal...

what 'Government' has done...to us, so wrongfully.

Hitting the back roads, feeling the dust, on my skin...

smelling Fresh Air...with the Sun on my face, was the Best Medicine.

<3

Having the Driver, of every Pick Up....we met, give us a 'Wave', 

like Iowa Farmer's always....do, whether they know ya...or not, 

because...

if your driving a Pick Up...you're a Friend, 'Neighbor'.

<3 

Seeing, that there's still....some sanity, and 'Real'..people,

 in this 'Twilight Zone' World...

I'm livin' in...

was Such a Blessing.

<3 <3 <3 

It was nearly 10, last night...when The Gypsy, and me...pulled in.

Fireworks were lighting up the sky, from every direction.

They...had Nothing, on The Moon, last night...tho.

: )

It was So Huge, and Incredible.

<3 

Hope You..had a Peaceful 4th.

Love...to Ya, 

Barb C.

Jo Dee Messina - Heads Carolina, Tails California (Official Music Video)

Saturday in the Park- Chicago

Saturday, in The Park... I Think, it was The 4th. of July.

Saturday...

in The Park...

I think, it was The 4th of July.

; )

Hahahaha!

The Gypsy Ford, and me...went to visit Pal, Steph, last night.

<3

She owns Frond Design Studio, and creates Fabric, from her original Paintings.

<3

I bought the umbrella from her, that's created from her Fabric.

<3 <3 <3 

Drove the Old Gypsy, Ford...she just got back a few days ago...from the Diesel Dr.

She's not well.

Gonna need a new motor.

: (

The Diesel Dr. said... she was badly beaten....over the years, before I rescued her....and, there's no fixin' her.

: ( 

She's blowin' white smoke, and....run's a little ruff.

Told the Diesel Dr., The Gypsy, and...the Driver...have much, in common.

<3 

Son, Justin...would like me to junk her.

That's..not gonna happen.

<3

I'll drive her...easy, until she blows.

Then, we'll slip a new engine in her.

She's..worthy, of that. 

The IDOT...has nearly....taken.

Shoot.

I, thought I could write about this...today.

: ( : ( : ( : (

I, can't do it.

I've got to get out of here.

I'm gonna bail...in the Old Gypsy Ford, and drive....drive...drive.

The Workers...getting ready to place Fairfax's Sign, by their Trail, the IDOT constructed for them....on the Bridge, adjacent to our property, over 'Cross Creek'. {DD # 1}

The IDOT...took the Trees, standing by the '49 Ford.... this week, for Fairfax's Trail...and, their horrible Stallman Drive/151 Intersection.

I, begged them to do a Safety Study, {Newman, and Staebler, from District 6} They...refused.

This intersection...tho, irregular, has had 1 accident, in 40 years. 

Let's see how their 'New'...'Improved'...intersection works out for 'em.

; )

Very...very....sad. 

: ( 

John.

<3

My thoughts...exactly, my Dear. <3 

What the City, of Fairfax....and the IDOT, has done to us...

for a 'Walking Trail'...that No One, should...ever walk on, {They All, refused to conduct a Safety Study, even...if I paid for it. : ( }

They've Butchered...us.

Ripped my heart out.

Lied to me...over, and over.

: (

I, have to try.....to 'live' here.

It's...devastating.

I, can't find the words...anymore, to express...what kind of 'Hell', this is.

Told, Steph...last night, when I die...I'll stay here, in 'Hell', and Haunt...every person, who's had part of This.

Her umbrella, with the Lightning Bolts, seemed very.... Fittin'. 

; )

Happy 4th of July.

I'm hittin' the road.

<3

Love...to ya, 

Barb C. 

Alison Krauss & Union Station - The Lucky One

'The Lucky One'

This post...is one, that's very personal.

Writing, is my therapy...

Sometimes, this little blog, is about Business...

Sometimes, it's about being chewed up, and spit out....

with Fairfax City Hall's, and the IDOT's dastardly deeds.

Tonight...

it's 100% personal.

I'll be editing it, over the days.

I've been struggling with this post, in my mind...since Sunday. 

I, knew...I'd have to write about it, but...couldn't quite come to grips, with it all.

Attended my Sister, Joyce's...Celebration of Life, on Sunday.

I, knew...it would be difficult.

Joyce, was Dad's 'Favorite'..until I came along.

; )

He Loved...All of His Children, but...he had a Special Place...in his heart, for Joyce.

<3

She got married, and moved away...about the time I was born.

I, never got to know her, very well.

She moved to California, then...Texas.

I was blessed, to have spent some time with her on her visits, over the last several years.

<3

I, always...felt, that I knew her... through Dad's fond memories...he shared with me, over the years.

<3

I was the 'Caboose', Dad...said.

{Youngest, End of The Line. : ) }

: )

He was 50, when I was born.

He took me with him, wherever, and...whenever...he could, from the time I was an infant.

The Lord Knows...I've lived, in old Trucks, and bounced down Many...Many...Thousands of Miles, of Iowa Gravel Roads, with Dad.

<3 

Dad, was such a Story Teller.

It, was all the Truth, but...oh my, what a Colorful Life...he had.

<3 

He...was 'The Lucky One'.

Dad..lived life, His Way. <3 <3 <3 

I, so enjoyed listening to him...share his memories.

I'd heard his stories, many times, but...as he'd share them, with someone, for the first time, I'd sit, and listen...like, I'd never heard them...before.

<3

They, were as Great, as the first time I'd heard them, every time.

Always.

<3

Mom, always said...that I, was the 'Apple of Dad's Eye'.

He, was the Apple, of mine...too.

<3

My parents divorced, when I was 5.

They Loved...each other, to the end, but...oh my, they had a strained relationship...over the years.

: (

They couldn't live together...

They, couldn't..live, apart.

I remember, the Sheriff taking Dad away, a time or two....after a big fight, between the two of them.

The worst time...was when I was 5.

 I remember...holding on to my Dad's pant leg, then, the Sheriff's....

Begging The Sheriff, to Please...Please, not take Dad away.

: ( : ( : ( 

Mom, was a wonderful Woman. <3

but...

she knew how to push Dad's buttons.

: (

{Verbal abuse, is much worse...than physical abuse.

I, remember Dad saying..."I wish....she'd just hit me in the face with a 2x4, I could take that."

That's why, I moved out, on my own...when I was 15.

I Loved my Mom...took care of her, most of my life...but, I couldn't take it.

Told John, shortly after we got together....we wouldn't have ANY of That.

Once hurtful words are spoken, they can't be taken back.

They cut deeper, than any knife, and their wounds, rarely heal...completely.

Over the years...he, and I had a few arguments.

Several times....I'd walk out the door, and...drive.

We'd talk, after we both cooled off.

<3

We Never....argued in front of our Children.}

Dad, was so much like Andy Griffith, I believed when I was little, 'Daddy'...was on T.V.

<3

He looked like him, walked like him...talked like him, and....could whistle, just like the lead in, on the Andy Griffith Show.

<3

Dad, and...I, spent....so much time together.

<3

He slept in his Truck, often...when I was little.

When he'd come to get me, for weekends, he'd rent a room...at the Magnus Hotel, in Cedar Rapids.

Everyone, loved him...there.

The Lady, at the office, there...made me a Doll, I still have it.

<3 

Dad, never treated me like a 'child'.

He spoke to me....like I was 30.

He was a 'Junk Man'.

'Scrapper'.

{He was a Truck Driver, Farmer, Mechanic...there wasn't much he couldn't do...

or, was ever afraid to try. <3

 Dad was even a Boxer, in his youth. Rode the rails, in the early 1930's, to Denver... and learned quickly, the Boxer's in Denver, were a little Tuffer, than the Iowa Boys, back Home. ; ) }

 Dad, taught himself how to Fly a Plane, in the 1940's, when he traded for an Aeronca Champ.

 : ) 

He lost his Pilot's License, when he took his Boss, for the ride of his life...

{Dad, didn't care for his Boss, at the time. He was mean to the Men, who worked for him.}

Dad, flew his Plane,{ with his Boss, riding shotgun....} 

between the Iowa River, and the Bridge, in Iowa City. 

: )

He was seen, and...lost his license, for it. ; ) }

Dad, in his later years, made a living cutting up car bodies, and Farm Machinery, and sold the iron, and metals.

I helped him, load, and haul, when I was about 12, and was big enough to drive, and stout enough...to sling the iron.

: )

He'd take me to Farm Auctions...when I turned 7, he'd leave me at the Auctions, to do his bidding, on Scrap...while he'd go on, to another...and buy there.

Folks, tell me, to this day..I look 'Angry', when I'm bidding, at an Auction.

: )

I, knew...when I was little, if I didn't look 'Serious', the Auctioneer wouldn't take me seriously.

Business...is Business.

I, surely...would Never...want to be missed, bidding for Dad.

He trusted...and believed in me. 

<3

I, always...to this day, stand as close to the Auctioneer, as I can.

: ) 

I remember, Dad's Friend, Lyle...{Fellow Scrapper} telling me several years ago...

he remembered being outbid on several scrap iron piles...

 by a little girl, at a Farm Auction, and..thought...

'What The Heck???'

then, he realized, I...was Marion Conner's Daughter.

<3 

He, adored...Dad, too. <3 

Most, everyone...did.

<3

{the few...who, maybe...didn't, well...I, didn't think much of them.}

Back...to Joyce's Memorial.

<3

Niece, Beth...had many photo albums there, packed with Memories.

<3

Beth, said... "Barb, there's a letter that you wrote to Mom, and Dad...Mom, saved."

I, thought to myself, it must me a 'Thank You' note, for the times I visited her Folks, in Millersburg.

Shirley, Beth's Mom...my Sister in Law, was like Dad's Daughter.

Dad, couldn't have Loved her...more, if she was 'blood'.

Dad, thought...the World, of Shirley.

<3 <3 <3 

She, and Sonny, {Marion Conner Jr.} were married at 15, and 17.

<3

They were married for 61 years.

<3

{When us 'Conner's' commit, we do it...for Life. <3 }

Beth took the letter, from the album, and handed it to me.

Amazingly...I recognized the stationary...immediately.

<3

The Appaloosa Colt, with a Butterfly, on his rump.

<3

I, began....reading it, then.... broke down, sobbing.

Choked Up.

I, couldn't read it.

Snapped a picture, of it...and, had to leave.

: (

It took me back...to the night, I watched Dad, open a letter.

I remember him...smiling, as he opened it, then...

watched, as he read it, put his head...in his hands, and....weep, at our kitchen table.

: ( : ( : ( 

I'd already went to bed....Dad, didn't know...I'd seen this.

After he went to bed, I...read the letter.

It was a scathing letter, written by my Sister in Law, Shirley...

scolding Dad, for not visiting them, for their Christmas Gathering.

Dad, was a Kind, Caring...Loving....Man, he'd Give Anyone in Need, his last dime...

but...

dependable, he wasn't.

We, didn't have.... 'Money', and...I know, Holidays were difficult, for Dad.

: ( : ( : ( 

They, never mattered to me. Not Gifts. My Gift, was...Dad. <3 

Shirley, was so angry....Dad didn't visit.

Dad, I...know, was too ashamed, because...he couldn't bring Gifts.

: (

We, could barely....pay the bills.

December, in Iowa...can be mighty lean, no matter how hard you work.

I, remembered....sitting down, that evening...and writing a letter, to Sonny, and Shirley.

My Folks, never knew...I'd written them.

My heart, was broken....for Dad, that night.

: (

I, know....Shirley Loved Dad, and...that's why, she was so hurt. 

I...know that....now.

The thing is...

That Highway...it...runs both ways.

They...all had more money, and better vehicles, than us.

They...all, could've come...and visited Dad, anytime.

Anytime.

He...would've loved it.

<3 

When I read the letter, I'd written, at 12, oh my....

oh...my.

I Need 'THAT GIRL'...back.

<3 

I...need her Strength, and...Wisdom. 

<3 

maybe....

what I truly...need, is 'clarity'.

When I was young, times were difficult, there were many losses, many battles, many heartbreaks.

but...somehow, I never felt overwhelmed.

No matter what 'Life'...served up, I could look it in the eye, see it for what it was, and deal with it, or....leave it to rot, and keep moving on.

Seems, over the last several years....the 'noise' of Life....

makes it so difficult to have a clear thought. 

It's like 'Scarlett'...in Gone With the Wind, with her reoccurring nightmare.

Keeps running through the Mist, searching...and can't find it.

She doesn't know what she's searching for...but, she cant find it.

The 'noise'...of Life, is like a dense fog.

I remember, when I was 16, and hired to help drive semi...long haul, to the Southern States,

the Man I was helping, was driving through the night, when we ran into some heavy fog.

It was like someone had thrown a sheet over the Semi's windshield.

He opened up the drivers door, and looked down at the highway, to see the line painted on the highway, and kept the truck creeping along. 

It felt like hours...before we made it through the fog.

I'm sure...it was only minutes...but, not knowing, who...or what, was coming at us, from what direction...

was unnerving.

The last many years....the 'Mist'...has been mighty heavy.

It's almost impossible to see the line on the Highway.

so...maybe, it's the 'Clarity', I'm seeking, more than anything. 

The Honesty, and..Truth...that seems to be so difficult to find, these days. 

I...truly, look back at my childhood, and remember how beautiful it was. 

We didn't have money...but, I...never felt 'poor'.

In fact, I felt 'rich'. <3 

Maybe, because...I learned early, that 'money'...can't buy the most important things in life.

'The Journey'....is 'Wealth'.

That would make Dad, one of the Richest Men...on the Planet.

<3 

I, know..my siblings didn't feel that way.

: (

Dad, couldn't be...like they'd wished he would be.

He, could never...ever...be, like so many other 'Dads'.

{Thank God. <3 }

I...wish, they could've seen, the Wealth, he was offering, that was so Much....more Precious, than 'gold'.

<3

They don't realize it, but...I see...

they each, have {had}...a lot of Dad, in each of them.

<3 <3 <3 

I often wonder...how Dad would handle, the happenings...around 'Home', today.

Hahahahaha....

oh dear.

I, know...the answer.

He'd hand it to me...

hahahaha....

With All of The Confidence in The World, I'd 'Git 'er Done'!!!

Hahahahaha.

: )

{John, too. <3 <3 <3 }

'Priceless'

<3

So....

Guess I'd better Gather myself up...

 find my feet,

and...do, just that,

<3 <3 <3 

and... 

never forget..

Whose Daughter, 

I am. 

; )

<3 <3 <3 

It's amazing, Shirley....saved that letter.

<3

I'm so grateful...she did.

She...was an Amazing Woman.

<3 <3 <3 

Too much Loss.

Too...much Loss, of Amazing People.

We, Need Them...Now.

<3

Dear Lord, I'm So Grateful... for All of Them. 

Love, to You.

Barb C. 

12 years old....when I wrote this.

It chokes me up.

Daughter, Liz...asked me to read it to her.

I, can't. 

: (