This post...is one, that's very personal.
Writing, is my therapy...
Sometimes, this little blog, is about Business...
Sometimes, it's about being chewed up, and spit out....
with Fairfax City Hall's, and the IDOT's dastardly deeds.
Tonight...
it's 100% personal.
I'll be editing it, over the days.
I've been struggling with this post, in my mind...since Sunday.
I, knew...I'd have to write about it, but...couldn't quite come to grips, with it all.
Attended my Sister, Joyce's...Celebration of Life, on Sunday.
I, knew...it would be difficult.
Joyce, was Dad's 'Favorite'..until I came along.
; )
He Loved...All of His Children, but...he had a Special Place...in his heart, for Joyce.
<3
She got married, and moved away...about the time I was born.
I, never got to know her, very well.
She moved to California, then...Texas.
I was blessed, to have spent some time with her on her visits, over the last several years.
<3
I, always...felt, that I knew her... through Dad's fond memories...he shared with me, over the years.
<3
I was the 'Caboose', Dad...said.
{Youngest, End of The Line. : ) }
: )
He was 50, when I was born.
He took me with him, wherever, and...whenever...he could, from the time I was an infant.
The Lord Knows...I've lived, in old Trucks, and bounced down Many...Many...Thousands of Miles, of Iowa Gravel Roads, with Dad.
<3
Dad, was such a Story Teller.
It, was all the Truth, but...oh my, what a Colorful Life...he had.
<3
He...was 'The Lucky One'.
Dad..lived life, His Way. <3 <3 <3
I, so enjoyed listening to him...share his memories.
I'd heard his stories, many times, but...as he'd share them, with someone, for the first time, I'd sit, and listen...like, I'd never heard them...before.
<3
They, were as Great, as the first time I'd heard them, every time.
Always.
<3
Mom, always said...that I, was the 'Apple of Dad's Eye'.
He, was the Apple, of mine...too.
<3
My parents divorced, when I was 5.
They Loved...each other, to the end, but...oh my, they had a strained relationship...over the years.
: (
They couldn't live together...
They, couldn't..live, apart.
I remember, the Sheriff taking Dad away, a time or two....after a big fight, between the two of them.
The worst time...was when I was 5.
I remember...holding on to my Dad's pant leg, then, the Sheriff's....
Begging The Sheriff, to Please...Please, not take Dad away.
: ( : ( : (
Mom, was a wonderful Woman. <3
but...
she knew how to push Dad's buttons.
: (
{Verbal abuse, is much worse...than physical abuse.
I, remember Dad saying..."I wish....she'd just hit me in the face with a 2x4, I could take that."
That's why, I moved out, on my own...when I was 15.
I Loved my Mom...took care of her, most of my life...but, I couldn't take it.
Told John, shortly after we got together....we wouldn't have ANY of That.
Once hurtful words are spoken, they can't be taken back.
They cut deeper, than any knife, and their wounds, rarely heal...completely.
Over the years...he, and I had a few arguments.
Several times....I'd walk out the door, and...drive.
We'd talk, after we both cooled off.
<3
We Never....argued in front of our Children.}
Dad, was so much like Andy Griffith, I believed when I was little, 'Daddy'...was on T.V.
<3
He looked like him, walked like him...talked like him, and....could whistle, just like the lead in, on the Andy Griffith Show.
<3
Dad, and...I, spent....so much time together.
<3
He slept in his Truck, often...when I was little.
When he'd come to get me, for weekends, he'd rent a room...at the Magnus Hotel, in Cedar Rapids.
Everyone, loved him...there.
The Lady, at the office, there...made me a Doll, I still have it.
<3
Dad, never treated me like a 'child'.
He spoke to me....like I was 30.
He was a 'Junk Man'.
'Scrapper'.
{He was a Truck Driver, Farmer, Mechanic...there wasn't much he couldn't do...
or, was ever afraid to try. <3
Dad was even a Boxer, in his youth. Rode the rails, in the early 1930's, to Denver... and learned quickly, the Boxer's in Denver, were a little Tuffer, than the Iowa Boys, back Home. ; ) }
Dad, taught himself how to Fly a Plane, in the 1940's, when he traded for an Aeronca Champ.
: )
He lost his Pilot's License, when he took his Boss, for the ride of his life...
{Dad, didn't care for his Boss, at the time. He was mean to the Men, who worked for him.}
Dad, flew his Plane,{ with his Boss, riding shotgun....}
between the Iowa River, and the Bridge, in Iowa City.
: )
He was seen, and...lost his license, for it. ; ) }
Dad, in his later years, made a living cutting up car bodies, and Farm Machinery, and sold the iron, and metals.
I helped him, load, and haul, when I was about 12, and was big enough to drive, and stout enough...to sling the iron.
: )
He'd take me to Farm Auctions...when I turned 7, he'd leave me at the Auctions, to do his bidding, on Scrap...while he'd go on, to another...and buy there.
Folks, tell me, to this day..I look 'Angry', when I'm bidding, at an Auction.
: )
I, knew...when I was little, if I didn't look 'Serious', the Auctioneer wouldn't take me seriously.
Business...is Business.
I, surely...would Never...want to be missed, bidding for Dad.
He trusted...and believed in me.
<3
I, always...to this day, stand as close to the Auctioneer, as I can.
: )
I remember, Dad's Friend, Lyle...{Fellow Scrapper} telling me several years ago...
he remembered being outbid on several scrap iron piles...
by a little girl, at a Farm Auction, and..thought...
'What The Heck???'
then, he realized, I...was Marion Conner's Daughter.
<3
He, adored...Dad, too. <3
Most, everyone...did.
<3
{the few...who, maybe...didn't, well...I, didn't think much of them.}
Back...to Joyce's Memorial.
<3
Niece, Beth...had many photo albums there, packed with Memories.
<3
Beth, said... "Barb, there's a letter that you wrote to Mom, and Dad...Mom, saved."
I, thought to myself, it must me a 'Thank You' note, for the times I visited her Folks, in Millersburg.
Shirley, Beth's Mom...my Sister in Law, was like Dad's Daughter.
Dad, couldn't have Loved her...more, if she was 'blood'.
Dad, thought...the World, of Shirley.
<3 <3 <3
She, and Sonny, {Marion Conner Jr.} were married at 15, and 17.
<3
They were married for 61 years.
<3
{When us 'Conner's' commit, we do it...for Life. <3 }
Beth took the letter, from the album, and handed it to me.
Amazingly...I recognized the stationary...immediately.
<3
The Appaloosa Colt, with a Butterfly, on his rump.
<3
I, began....reading it, then.... broke down, sobbing.
Choked Up.
I, couldn't read it.
Snapped a picture, of it...and, had to leave.
: (
It took me back...to the night, I watched Dad, open a letter.
I remember him...smiling, as he opened it, then...
watched, as he read it, put his head...in his hands, and....weep, at our kitchen table.
: ( : ( : (
I'd already went to bed....Dad, didn't know...I'd seen this.
After he went to bed, I...read the letter.
It was a scathing letter, written by my Sister in Law, Shirley...
scolding Dad, for not visiting them, for their Christmas Gathering.
Dad, was a Kind, Caring...Loving....Man, he'd Give Anyone in Need, his last dime...
but...
dependable, he wasn't.
We, didn't have.... 'Money', and...I know, Holidays were difficult, for Dad.
: ( : ( : (
They, never mattered to me. Not Gifts. My Gift, was...Dad. <3
Shirley, was so angry....Dad didn't visit.
Dad, I...know, was too ashamed, because...he couldn't bring Gifts.
: (
We, could barely....pay the bills.
December, in Iowa...can be mighty lean, no matter how hard you work.
I, remembered....sitting down, that evening...and writing a letter, to Sonny, and Shirley.
My Folks, never knew...I'd written them.
My heart, was broken....for Dad, that night.
: (
I, know....Shirley Loved Dad, and...that's why, she was so hurt.
I...know that....now.
The thing is...
That Highway...it...runs both ways.
They...all had more money, and better vehicles, than us.
They...all, could've come...and visited Dad, anytime.
Anytime.
He...would've loved it.
<3
When I read the letter, I'd written, at 12, oh my....
oh...my.
I Need 'THAT GIRL'...back.
<3
I...need her Strength, and...Wisdom.
<3
maybe....
what I truly...need, is 'clarity'.
When I was young, times were difficult, there were many losses, many battles, many heartbreaks.
but...somehow, I never felt overwhelmed.
No matter what 'Life'...served up, I could look it in the eye, see it for what it was, and deal with it, or....leave it to rot, and keep moving on.
Seems, over the last several years....the 'noise' of Life....
makes it so difficult to have a clear thought.
It's like 'Scarlett'...in Gone With the Wind, with her reoccurring nightmare.
Keeps running through the Mist, searching...and can't find it.
She doesn't know what she's searching for...but, she cant find it.
The 'noise'...of Life, is like a dense fog.
I remember, when I was 16, and hired to help drive semi...long haul, to the Southern States,
the Man I was helping, was driving through the night, when we ran into some heavy fog.
It was like someone had thrown a sheet over the Semi's windshield.
He opened up the drivers door, and looked down at the highway, to see the line painted on the highway, and kept the truck creeping along.
It felt like hours...before we made it through the fog.
I'm sure...it was only minutes...but, not knowing, who...or what, was coming at us, from what direction...
was unnerving.
The last many years....the 'Mist'...has been mighty heavy.
It's almost impossible to see the line on the Highway.
so...maybe, it's the 'Clarity', I'm seeking, more than anything.
The Honesty, and..Truth...that seems to be so difficult to find, these days.
I...truly, look back at my childhood, and remember how beautiful it was.
We didn't have money...but, I...never felt 'poor'.
In fact, I felt 'rich'. <3
Maybe, because...I learned early, that 'money'...can't buy the most important things in life.
'The Journey'....is 'Wealth'.
That would make Dad, one of the Richest Men...on the Planet.
<3
I, know..my siblings didn't feel that way.
: (
Dad, couldn't be...like they'd wished he would be.
He, could never...ever...be, like so many other 'Dads'.
{Thank God. <3 }
I...wish, they could've seen, the Wealth, he was offering, that was so Much....more Precious, than 'gold'.
<3
They don't realize it, but...I see...
they each, have {had}...a lot of Dad, in each of them.
<3 <3 <3
I often wonder...how Dad would handle, the happenings...around 'Home', today.
Hahahahaha....
oh dear.
I, know...the answer.
He'd hand it to me...
hahahaha....
With All of The Confidence in The World, I'd 'Git 'er Done'!!!
Hahahahaha.
: )
{John, too. <3 <3 <3 }
'Priceless'
<3
So....
Guess I'd better Gather myself up...
find my feet,
and...do, just that,
<3 <3 <3
and...
never forget..
Whose Daughter,
I am.
; )
<3 <3 <3
It's amazing, Shirley....saved that letter.
<3
I'm so grateful...she did.
She...was an Amazing Woman.
<3 <3 <3
Too much Loss.
Too...much Loss, of Amazing People.
We, Need Them...Now.
<3
Dear Lord, I'm So Grateful... for All of Them.
Love, to You.
Barb C.
12 years old....when I wrote this.
It chokes me up.
Daughter, Liz...asked me to read it to her.
I, can't.
: (
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