I spent the day.... the 4th....
working on the yard....
This place, looks like a Jungle.
Being gone for a month.... and with all of the rain....
oh my...
as John would say...
"This Yard... is Getting Out of Hand."
It truly was...
Brandon, kept it mowed....
but...oh my... the wild grapes... and Mulberry trees... along with Everything else....
has had free reign.
Liz and Scarlett came out... and helped, too.....
: )
We took a 5 mile detour...to get across the creek.... and unload the Ford... so I can load brush....
It's piled... everywhere....
I have things, on the Ford...to unload, here, before I can load brush... but today, it's raining....
so... I'll work in the house...
Many mountains, here to move, as well....
I left a comment... on FB this morning...about...'Life'...as I know it...
these days...
oh my.
John replaced my stolen ring.... years ago.... with a Garnet...
 |
The Beautiful...Ring......
doesn't look so pretty... on my left hand... these days....
At least, my hand isn't purple... anymore...
It's still swollen... but has turned... green.... and yellow...
It's on the mend....
I can... grasp things... now...
My right arm... was doing better... until, yesterday... when I moved a concrete birdbath.... and heard it 'Pop'...
and give way....
Liz and I... had quite a time... moving mountains yesterday...
If... I keep my arm wrapped... and completely straight.... I can lift a ton....
just can't do any 'curls'.... my elbow.... tendons... are gone.
for...now.
{I fell...when running to Scout...the night of the flood... a week or so... ago.... oh my... this poor old body... of mine.... : ) I...ask an awful lot...of it.... I...hope....I can give it... a few...easier days.... for a while... } |
He loved Red... and things, that sparkled....
I quit wearing it...a couple of years ago... when the band...that I had bent...crushed...and had worn so thin...had broken...in two....
I slipped it on...last night....
oh my...
{a Man...who duct taped his shoes... and wore threadbare... 'T' shirts... bought me... this beautiful ring.... }
The nights...and mornings... are the worst....
I rarely use the word 'hate'....
but...
I 'Hate'... Night time.....
and Mornings....
I work... and work...and...work... throughout the day.....
even then... it's so...difficult...
There are so...many 'Firsts'....
Like...yesterday...
It was the First 4th of July.... without John....
oh my...
As I trimmed... the trees... I trimmed where John had... last year...
It was the First... trimming... without him....
When I picked up...a belt, for the mower....
day before, yesterday....
I couldn't hardly walk inside the store....
The last time... I had... was just a couple of months ago... John was with me....
I remember that day...like it was...yesterday.
We had just come from the D.Q. {his Favorite Stop... after his treatments...}
He, sat in Jethro... and visited with a man.... until...I had taken too long... because they couldn't find the right belt.... I looked up...and John...was slowly walking inside... hanging on...to the new...John Deere mowers.... {he was so....weak}.... making his way...to the counter.... to help....
oh my....
Every morning... it's the first... morning... since, yesterday....
I knew, John wouldn't be here....
The only time.... I get any relief, so far... is when I sleep....
but... then... when I wake up....
for a split second...
I feel.. relieved .... It Was All...a Bad....Dream...
: )
then...
in a blink of an eye....
I realize... it Is...a Nightmare.......
but...
a Real... one.
It's like the movie...
'Groundhog Day'....
This day... keeps repeating itself... over...and over....
At Night....
when the 'world'...stops spinning.....
before... I find my bed....
is the second... 'Worst'....
it's then... I feel most...alone.
Thank God...for the Critters....
Friends.. would be there... at a moments notice....
but... what could they do....
but feel...sad... too....
I'd never put any of this... on them.
They have enough... themselves....
The Kids... are Fighting their...own Loss... and Grief.
oh my....
The Blessing is.... I am numb....
Seems...everything...is coming at me... so fast and sharp.....
I feel like a human dart board....
but...I 'feel' none of it....
I...just walk on.
The Bill Collectors.... Flood... People.... they don't faze me.....
not anymore.....
{I appealed...Medicare's waiting period.... {per The Hospitals request... {even tho...I was told by The Social Security Office...it would be Fruitless... when John was in the Hospital...} only to find out... I had waited too long, to 'appeal'...seems there is a limit...on that too....
oh my...
I said... to them... "I am appealing it...anyway... and...Beg...You... to Please.... pick up...just March through May.... "... {I wrote them a long letter.... John...was eligible... and entitled... he just filed... late.... now... I guess... we are two peas in a pod... He took bad advise.... so did I... from the Social Security Office... and from a Legal Source... guess... that was my... mistake. I also...trusted them... }
I'll just keep putting the fires out... until...I can't...anymore.
It's...the Memories....
that are the Most... Painful....
They have a Razor Sharp... Arrow....
and find their way.....past and through...all of the others...and go straight...to my heart....
They...carry with them....
'Loss'...
and knowing.... I'll be alone... the rest of my life.
Even...when...I'm surrounded by people....
I'm alone... and always... will be.
The void...in my life... is beyond... my comprehension...
I...have suffered.... 'loss'... in my life....
but nothing... compares...to this.
I'll just keep on working....
I can do that....
I have no choice....
I only...wish... the days... wouldn't have a beginning... or an end....
then...I wouldn't have to stop...at all...
Love to ya...
Barb C.