Gone...gone...gone.

Ugly...days.

Yesterday...was one.

Started the day...off, from the moment...my eyes opened...

in a pool of tears.

When I went to bed, the night before...I stood by 

The Tree.

Examining it.

Something...was wrong.

Terribly....wrong.

It...wasn't 'right'.

Everything...seemed so off kilter.

: ( : ( : ( 

I, thought...to myself...maybe, it'll look better in the morning.

Maybe...I'm just tired, and...it'll look better, with rested eyes.

Somehow...I knew, while lying in bed...yesterday morning,

The Tree...

was going to look as 'wrong', with fresh eyes, as it did...the night before.

It did.

: (

I...knew, as I was putting it together...the day prior...

I...wasn't 'Feeling'...it.

but...

kept pushing on.

Kept thinking...that it would come together.

It didn't.

Daughter, Liz...called...I explained to her...what was happening.

or...

Not.

Told her... "Forcing Soulfulness, doesn't create Beauty. It's...just, 'Forced'."

The exact...same feeling, I have while attempting to put the rabbit hole back together.

I, never thought...my lifetime...Love Affair, with 'Christmas'...could be ruined, ever.

I...nearly tore it all down.

Throughout....my life, like most everyone...I've endured some hardships.

Loss.

but...

I, could always depend...on The Magic of 'Christmas'....to embrace me, even...

when I was alone, and darkness surrounded.

Just me, and Dolsey....{beloved Great Dane... <3 } that first Christmas...on our own...

with nothing, but a tiny... little Tree, I'd saved for weeks to buy.

We'd sit for hours, at night...just gazing at that little tree.

<3

No gifts.

Didn't need any.

The 'Magic'...of Christmas, was 'The Gift'.

There's no 'magic'.

no...'feeling'.

no...'soulfulness'.

Just...like, the rabbit hole.

I, was so...Hoping.

So..Praying, 

as Liz and I...were pulling totes out, I...could Find...

a 'Spark', just....a little, glimmer of 'Magic'.

nothing.

nothing.

I know...there are probably...many, out there...who feel the same way.

{I'm so sorry for You. }

All with their own....personal reasons, for their emptiness.

I, know....exactly, where mine comes from.

All I have to do...is look out the window.

I remember a Patsy Cline...quote, 

"Hoss...if you can't do it with Feeling...Don't."

It's so true.

'Passion'...

can't be flipped on, with a switch.

You either have it, or...you don't.

I, have to pull this 'Christmas'...together.

 Not for myself...

I, see...'feel'...that ship...has sailed.

but...

for the Kids, and Grandkids.

It's been stolen from Them...just as our Land, has been.

I, can't allow 'them'..to Steal Christmas...from Them, too.

 Our Children, and Grandchildren...have...lost far too much, 

because of who, and what...I see out of our window.

This...will be the most difficult Christmas in my life, to date.

I'm actually going to have to Make it happen,

 without feeling, 

without...heart...

without

 Magic.

It's gone.

gone...

gone...

I'm Praying, I can pull it off.

Spin the Best...'Magic', I can Force into what used to be so effortless.

For Them.

I'll see every 'wrong' in it.

I'm Praying...they won't.

I can't allow their Christmas memories to be tarnished, so wrongfully.

I never knew, how incredibly Blessed, I was....

by my life long...Love Affair, with Christmas, until...now.

when it's gone.

Wrongfully...

Stolen.

Love, and Prayers.

Barb C.

{Please... know, my Faith...is unwavering. Nobody, can Steal that. <3 }