Measurements of The Heart.

Daughter, Liz...asked me to watch a Joel Osteen video...this morning.

I so enjoy listening to him...should make a habit of watching him, every morning...

but, seems mornings can be so busy, I forget.

I sat down, this morning... and listened to the sermon she'd sent to me.

: )

Anyone who knows me, knows...I'm no Angel.

Drink too much, smoke...too much, and, swear...a little too much.

but....

I've never once thought, God doesn't Love me.

Throughout my entire life, I've never...questioned that.

My Faith...has never waivered.

There are days...and, nights...I wonder, what am I supposed to be 'Learning', during the difficult times.

I believe....God is watching over, and...for Everything....there is a Season.

I struggled with Death, and the purpose...of that, throughout my younger years.

From a very tender age, I was faced with loss, of those who were my 'World'. 

While visiting with Sallie, my Cousin....several weeks ago, she told me a story, about when she, and her Family...came to visit us, when we lived on some land, near Toddville, Iowa.

They used to come visit, most every Sunday.

: )

She started talking about a pony, she remembered, that I seemed to live on.

'Little Red'

I learned to ride him, before I could walk.

He was a big pony, a Welsh Pony.

Dad, would put a halter on him, and had cut a lead rope, about 2 feet long, so I could lead him around, but not get tangled in the lead rope.

Little Red, and I...were inseparable.

He'd follow me, anywhere.

{Dad, called him...my 'Babysitter'. <3 }

I remember...leading him into an old truck box, that was on the ground, then...out...then...back in, again.

Dad, told the story...years ago, when a friend of his, had stopped by, and they watched me lead Little Red, in...and out of the old truck box, Dad's friend...commented on how well broke...Little Red was.

Dad said.... "He won't go in that box, for just anyone...you try...to lead him in."

The man, took Little Red's lead rope... tried, and tried...to coax Little Red, into the truck box. 

Little Red, would have no part of it.

The Friend...couldn't believe it.

Sallie told me, the time that sticks in her head...about Little Red, she remembered... seeing me on Little Red, no halter...no bridle...just sitting on him, as he grazed, and went wherever he wanted....then, he walked up to the door of the Trailer, we were living in... and hit the door, with his nose, a few times...to have someone pull me off. 

: )

That...was every day. Winter, or..Summer.

My Days...from before I could walk...until, I was about 4 years old, revolved around Little Red.

When I was 4, the neighbor's Stallion got loose, came to our place, ran our horses through the fence.

I, remember.... it was dark...and Dad, put me in the truck, beside him...

we went looking for the horses.

They all came back, but...Little Red. 

As we were driving...I remember seeing lights on a gravel road, not far from where we lived.

It was a Deputy Sheriff, with a man...standing with him...in the road.

Dad, pulled me out of the truck...and we walked to where the men were standing.

The man, was yelling at my Dad, I remember...holding on to Dad's pant leg.

Then, I looked in the ditch, next to where we were standing...

and...saw, 'Little Red'.

He was laying on his side, in the ditch.

I, knew...it was Little Red, but...I, also...knew, it wasn't.

Little Red, was gone.

That was my first memory...of 'Death', and Loss. 

The man, kept yelling at Dad, saying he was going to sue for damages to his car, but...the Deputy told him...he'd better rethink that, because he was drunk.

I didn't cry....over Little Red, until many years later.

I, remember....a short time after Little Red was killed, the Neighbor, whose Stallion ran our horses through the fence...had us come to his Farm.

He was such a nice man.

So friendly.

Dad, and I...were standing by his corral, looking at all of his horses, and ponies.

The kind man, leaned over me...and said...

"Barbie, pick out any one...you'd like."

???

I, remember...looking up at Dad, he nodded, and said...

 "Mr. Miller would like to give you a pony, because of what happened to Little Red." : ) 

I, was so confused.

I, thought... what does a 'pony'...have to do...with 'Little Red'???

Little Red, was my Friend, my Everything.

What does a 'pony'...have to do, with Little Red?

I, remember...feeling so confused, and...

 shook my head...'no'.

Looking back, for Mr. Miller's sake, I wish I would've chosen a pony.

I'm sure...he felt terrible.

Over the years, we had many horses and ponies.

Having Critters, death...is something, you must endure.

It's heartbreaking.

It wasn't until Dad...left us, so suddenly, when I was 23...did I sit down and really....try to understand, what God...had in mind.

I'd taken myself...to Church, after Mom, and Dad Divorced, shortly after Little Red was killed.

Mom, and I...were living in Cedar Bluff, then.

The little Church, was up on the hill...not far from where we were living.

I remember...sitting on the very back Pew, listening to the Minister.

<3

I don't know how many Sundays went by, before they figured out...I wasn't 'with'...somebody.

When they did, they put me in Sunday School, with other children.

That was ok. 

: )

but, I truly...enjoyed the 'Messages'...best, sitting on that back Pew, much...like I enjoy listening to Joel Osteen, these days.

So...when Dad, left us... I, struggled.

Then...I began to realize, 'this'...is our temporary home.

I, began..to understand, it truly is...all about 'The Journey'.

We are here...to learn, and grow.

Whether we are here, for a moment...or a hundred years.

It's all about the journey.

Teach others, as they teach...us.

and...

I knew, I'd see Dad, again.

Little Red, and...All of The Others, as well.

I, remember...getting into an argument...when I was 15, visiting my Sister, Merry Jo, in Washington State.

She took me to her Church, and wanted their Pastor to explain to me, that 'Critter's have no Soul, so...they won't be in Heaven.'

Well, he did his best, then...I told him, "If our Animals aren't in Heaven, I don't want to go there, either. God, can send me, wherever they are....because, it sure wouldn't be 'Heaven'...for me, if there were no Critters'. 

<3

Our...Loving God, would never...never be cruel. 

<3

As much as I twist...about the 'Journey', please know...it's not that I question God, or my 'Faith', I question....what am I supposed to be Learning.

I, know...Everything will work out, exactly as it should.

I, also know...

There's been Many Blessings. 

I am Grateful.

I was telling the Young Man, who was here to look at the basement...about the Trail Struggles, Fairfax, and the IDOT.

{seeing this, is understanding, he couldn't believe this, either.}

Told him, about my argument, with Daughter, Liz...

she's so sick...and tired, of not having her Mom.

4 years...of this wrongful battle, I...know...she, along with others, are very frustrated.

I, sat here...as she blew up, feeling so guilty, then...

came up out of this chair...and ordered her Out...of Our Home.

We made amends, the next day...I told her I was sorry, but, she had to understand, this Fairfax/IDOT mess, is something that is so very wrong, on every level...

 I can't simply turn my back...and walk away.

{Regrets, I reminded her, are very difficult to live with.}

Told her, it's a very difficult struggle, and I can't have negativity, or discouragement near me.

This challenge is difficult enough, without fighting those Dearest to me, too.

Two weeks after our Blow Up...

Liz, called me...one morning,

She said... "Mom..I've turned into you."

I, said... "Honey...I'm so very sorry. : ) "

She went on... telling me about the huge project, she'd taken the lead, on...had been working on, very hard...

with several other Folks.

Liz said...one of her closest Friends, kept telling her, that if her Plans...didn't work out like she envisioned, and they couldn't pull it off, just...be ok, with whatever.

She said... "Mom, every time...my Friend says stuff like that...I want to Explode!!!"

"If we don't go In To...This, Believing we Can Do This, and Do Our Best... we won't."

Just like Dad, always told me, "If you know in your heart, you've done your Best, you won't have any regrets. Regrets, are mighty difficult to live with." 

Doing your Best, I've learned...over my life, isn't measured by anyone else's 'Best'. 

Your Heart, will do 'your' measuring...for you. }

Love...to You.

Prayers, for All.

Barb C.

This is my Sister, Merry Jo...our Neighbor, Linda...and, me, on Little Red, in the middle.

This...must have been a Special Day. 

<3

Horses were all Saddled, and...I, was wearing shoes. : ) <3

This had to've been taken, just before...Little Red, was killed.

This...was in Cedar Bluff. 

I was 5. 

The little Church, was on the top of the hill, to the right. 

Sadly...I don't have a picture of it.

John, and I...went to visit it, many years ago...found it....as it was ready to fall down.

He opened the broken...door, enough... so I could get one last look. 

<3

There were wild black raspberries growing beside the little Church, I..picked a few.

 Brought them home, dried them...put them in a jar. 

{after writing this, had to go find that jar. : ) I'd actually written a note, and placed it in the jar, back in 2001. Wow. <3}

That's how I imagine Heaven.

Critters, and Children. 

<3 <3 <3 

I'm so glad...I took the time, to scribble down a note.

Time...sure does pass quickly.

When I peeked inside that little Church, with John...that day, I..knew, he could never see, what I was seeing.

I was very Blessed, to have the Memories, from 1968.

To me...for a moment, I could see it, Just...as it was, through my 5 year old...eyes.

Could almost hear the Piano...playing.

<3 <3 <3 

I took a whiff...of the berries, in the jar....when I opened it, just now.

<3

It has the scent...of Late...Summer.

Warm Sun...and, Sweetness.

<3

That, was a Great...Day, with John.

<3 <3 <3 

We had some of our best conversations....on long...Sunday Drives.

<3 <3 <3