Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I didn't forget....

February 13th.... the 25th Anniversary.....of my Dad's death....
Lord.... a Quarter...of a Century...he's been gone.... and...I think of him...every single day.... I miss him...so...
He went away...suddenly...
My biggest regret...I wasn't there...at his side....
After receiving the call...he was at the hospital...I was rushing to get out the door....all the time...being assured...he was going to be fine... from his Dr.
Within 30 minutes...from the time I was notified...with that assurance....to, the moment, I picked up the phone....as I was running out the door.... with the same Dr....telling me, things had changed, drastically...for the worse.... {The only thing...I could ask her...thinking...would be the Worst..." Is he Dead????"...and surely...she would come back...with something...anything....less...than that....her answer...was..."Yes...he is"....}
I was 6 months pregnant...with Liz.... Justin...nearly 2, at my side....and I dropped to my knees...
I thought...it was the end of the world....I truly...did....
This...is the very first year...I didn't cry....maybe...because...for so many reasons....I have cried....for months....maybe...there aren't enough...tears....left....but...I didn't forget....
As I visited Mom today...at the nursing home....while I brushed her hair....we were singing old songs.......together...I was wondering...if she remembered....We usually talk about him....on Valentines Day....but...she seemed so happy....I didn't bring Dad up...Happy Times...are so few, and far between....I just kept the happy thoughts...going...
My Sister in Law...and I have begun, to visit....she and my brother, divorced....30...plus... years ago...or better...but...we were so close...and have exchanged Christmas Cards...for years....I have...and will always love her....
Tonight...I read an e-mail she sent....this afternoon.......We haven't seen each other...for years... Saturday...she picked up a quilt, she had seen here, on the blog.... We visited...forever...
In her e-mail...she said... "On Saturday, while we were chatting...I kept thinking...how much you resemble your Dad...both, physically...and in your thoughts, and actions....He would be so proud of you, Barb...and in fact, I'm sure he is watching ...and quietly smiling...in that way, he had..."
I doubt...she could ever know...how very much....that meant, to me....{ oh my...guess...I do have a few tears...left...}
I always think of the Skeeter Davis song..."End of the World"...when I think of the day Dad left.... I couldn't understand...why is the Sun shinning....but...like today....spending Valentines Day...with the Girls...and Boys....John....and Mom....like...25 years ago....I had to keep moving forward.... for them...tho...I was so incredibly... broken....
I was 23....Dad's Executor...no money.... and...so...Lost....
Dad...thought I hung the Moon....I was Blessed....
Several times...while visiting with Peg...she stares at me...and says.." After hearing the stories...you tell about your Dad...I have a pretty good idea....I'm looking right at him..." she says...I'm exactly like him...and she didn't even know him...
I'd like to think...I am a bit more crazy...than my Dad...but then...I remember him...taking the air out of the cars tires...and driving for miles...on a working railroad track...just putting the car in drive...and going....and...he taught himself, how to fly an airplane...that was his true love.... once...he flew it between the river..and the bridge...in Iowa City...{that made the paper...oh dear...} He moved a two story house, down hiway 151, let my 9 year old brother, drive the tractor, pulling it...so Dad could be on the roof of the house...holding up electric lines....The Sheriff wasn't amused... He drove without a licence...{let it expire...then...couldn't prove he was born...so the DOT wouldn't issue him one, the last 20 years he was alive...} The Good Old Deputies...{he knew them all...}would cover their eyes...at road checks...when he'd come through them...{me...a little girl...riding with...}with junk car bodies...binded down...on his truck...and...our trucks...could never pass an inspection...ahhh...no...way....most of the time, they'd let him roll on through...oh my...{I remember...he'd squint, to see who the Deputy was conducting the road check....and either, sigh, and say..."it's gonna be o.k., it's so and so...." or..."well...this could be trouble"...if it was a new man.... the worst they ever did...was write him a ticket....but...it was hard for him to pay the fines...I remember going to court with him...getting extensions....on payments... Some Deputies came to his funeral...who had worked so hard to get his licence, for him.... and, just got everything in order...when he passed away... He was picked up in Cedar Rapids...and they put him in jail...for being a habitual offender... it was the only time...I couldn't find him...{I always knew where he was...} I was worried sick...as I was driving through town...there he was...walking....from jail...he had walked 5 miles...trying to get to his truck....{oh yeah...he would have driven it home....had he made it there...}too ashamed..to call me.... he was 72....{he had gotten picked up, for driving too slow...then...they threw the book at him...that is when the Deputies, got involved...they were not happy...I don't think...with the city police...Bless Their Hearts... : ).... I nearly got thrown in jail, for sassing a Judge...said to her.." Dad can't get his licence...because he can't prove he was born...sooo...if he's not alive enough...to get a licence...then, he surely isn't alive enough...to get a ticket..."  She threatened to hold me in contempt....she didn't like me much....

This is me...and Dad...eating...Ice Cream...I am sure...Dad was 50, when I was born....He worked every day, but Sunday...'til the day he died....He loved what he did...and was a Free Spirit.....Loved...by...most...Everyone.... a Good...Man...
 Maybe...I am...a bit...like Dad...and I consider that...a Huge...Compliment...
I Miss Him...Every Single Day....yet...I do know...he's with me...sometimes...I can just feel him here...
I didn't forget....
Love...to ya...
Barb C.
{and...Dad shoveled box cars...full of coal....out...until he was in his late 60's...by hand....to pay the rent...."To make a Poor Man's Dollar"....}

4 comments:

Kari from Meadowview Farm said...

May his memory be for a blessing.
Kari

simplyiowa said...

I am Blessed....
Thanks, Kari...
Love, to you... : )
Barb C.

kim nizzi said...

What a beautiful tribute to your Father. He sounds like a guy that lived life on his own terms. The other day when you said you should write a book, well I think it is already written... just print your blog and embellish some. Everyday is interesting and we always come back for more!

simplyiowa said...

Awww...Kim...
Thank You...
But...this is my therapy....
Some day...someday...I will write a book...
This little blog...is a thimble full....
Thanks...again...for the kind words...you are such a Sweet Pea...
Love, to Ya....
Barb C.