Saturday, July 5, 2014

Groundhog Day....

I spent the day.... the 4th....
working on the yard....
This place, looks like a Jungle.
Being gone for a month.... and with all of the rain....
oh my...
as John would say...
"This Yard... is Getting Out of Hand."
It truly was...
Brandon, kept it mowed....
but...oh my... the wild grapes... and Mulberry trees... along with Everything else....
has had free reign.
Liz and Scarlett came out... and helped, too.....
: )
We took a 5 mile detour...to get across the creek.... and unload the Ford... so I can load brush....
It's piled... everywhere....
I have things, on the Ford...to unload, here, before I can load brush... but today, it's raining....
so... I'll work in the house...
Many mountains, here to move, as well....
I left a comment... on FB this morning...about...'Life'...as I know it...
these days...
oh my.
John replaced my stolen ring.... years ago.... with a Garnet...
The Beautiful...Ring......
doesn't look so pretty... on my left hand... these days....
At least, my hand isn't purple... anymore...
It's still swollen... but has turned... green.... and yellow...
It's on the mend....
I can... grasp things... now...
My right arm... was doing better... until, yesterday... when I moved a concrete birdbath.... and heard it 'Pop'...
and give way....
Liz and I... had quite a time... moving mountains yesterday...
If... I keep my arm wrapped... and completely straight.... I can lift a ton....
just can't do any 'curls'.... my elbow.... tendons... are gone.
for...now.
{I fell...when running to Scout...the night of the flood... a week or so... ago.... oh my... this poor old body... of mine.... : ) I...ask an awful lot...of it.... I...hope....I can give it... a few...easier days.... for a while... }

He loved Red... and things, that sparkled....
I quit wearing it...a couple of years ago... when the band...that I had bent...crushed...and had worn so thin...had broken...in two....
I slipped it on...last night....
oh my...
{a Man...who duct taped his shoes... and wore threadbare... 'T' shirts... bought me... this beautiful ring.... }
The nights...and mornings... are the worst....
I rarely use the word 'hate'....
but...
I 'Hate'... Night time.....
and Mornings....
I work... and work...and...work... throughout the day.....
even then... it's so...difficult...
There are so...many 'Firsts'....
Like...yesterday...
It was the First 4th of July.... without John....
oh my...
As I trimmed... the trees... I trimmed where John had... last year...
It was the First... trimming... without him....
When I picked up...a belt, for the mower....
day before, yesterday....
I couldn't hardly walk inside the store....
The last time... I had... was just a couple of months ago... John was with me....
I remember that day...like it was...yesterday.
We had just come from the D.Q. {his Favorite Stop... after his treatments...}
He, sat in Jethro... and visited with a man.... until...I had taken too long... because they couldn't find the right belt.... I looked up...and John...was slowly walking inside... hanging on...to the new...John Deere mowers.... {he was so....weak}.... making his way...to the counter.... to help....
oh my....
Every morning... it's the first... morning... since, yesterday....
I knew, John wouldn't be here....
The only time.... I get any relief, so far... is when I sleep....
but... then... when I wake up....
for a split second...
I feel.. relieved .... It Was All...a Bad....Dream...
: )
then...
in a blink of an eye....
I realize... it Is...a Nightmare.......
but...
a Real... one.
It's like the movie...
'Groundhog Day'....
This day... keeps repeating itself... over...and over....
At Night....
when the 'world'...stops spinning.....
before... I find my bed....
is the second... 'Worst'....
it's then... I feel most...alone.
Thank God...for the Critters....
Friends.. would be there... at a moments notice....
but... what could they do....
but feel...sad... too....
I'd never put any of this... on them.
They have enough... themselves....
The Kids... are Fighting their...own Loss... and Grief.
oh my....
The Blessing is.... I am numb....
Seems...everything...is coming at me... so fast and sharp.....
I feel like a human dart board....
but...I 'feel' none of it....
I...just walk on.
The Bill Collectors.... Flood... People.... they don't faze me.....
not anymore.....
{I appealed...Medicare's waiting period.... {per The Hospitals request... {even tho...I was told by The Social Security Office...it would be Fruitless... when John was in the Hospital...} only to find out... I had waited too long, to 'appeal'...seems there is a limit...on that too....
oh my...
I said... to them... "I am appealing it...anyway... and...Beg...You... to Please.... pick up...just March through May.... "... {I wrote them a long letter.... John...was eligible... and entitled... he just filed... late.... now... I guess... we are two peas in a pod... He took bad advise.... so did I... from the Social Security Office... and from a Legal Source... guess... that was my... mistake. I also...trusted them... }
I'll just keep putting the fires out... until...I can't...anymore.
It's...the Memories....
that are the Most... Painful....
They have a Razor Sharp... Arrow....
and find their way.....past and through...all of the others...and go straight...to my heart....
They...carry with them....
 'Loss'...
and knowing.... I'll be alone... the rest of my life.
Even...when...I'm surrounded by people....
I'm alone... and always... will be.
The void...in my life... is beyond... my comprehension...
I...have suffered.... 'loss'... in my life....
but nothing... compares...to this.
 I'll just keep on working....
I can do that....
I have no choice....
I only...wish... the days... wouldn't have a beginning... or an end....
then...I wouldn't have to stop...at all...
Love to ya...
Barb C.






6 comments:

cindy said...

Barb, your words may be different but the feeling is the same - the loss of a spouse is a loss of yourself. Thanks be to God I don't know what a child would be like to loose, but I know a spouse and I know your pain. There are days now that I still have "Doug moments" and it's been 13 years. All I can say is, as hard as it is to imagine, one day you'll find that you made it! You'll never forget, you'll never stop missing him, but you will start a new chapter and only God knows what that chapter will be.

simplyiowa said...

Peg and I talked about that, today.....
We don't... know what losing a Child is like...either... and Pray, we Never Do...
But... I...have lost many... dear ones... as has Peg.
This... is different.
Time... has a way, of forming a Bond. It's a Bond... like I would image a Twin... must have...
Throughout our lives... we struggle... and also... have Beautiful times.... Storms... and Smooth Waters....
When, you have a Bond... with someone... who has endured them all... by your side.... through Thick and Thin... you... become One... with that Person.
When they leave you... they take a huge... part of you... with them.
John was my Soul Mate... sure... we had rough times... at times... but, we always...always... weathered the Storms... Together.
I shared Everything...with him.
He was my Best Friend... Lover... and Soul Mate... {'husband'... seems so... little... of a word.} He was...my Rock... my One...and Only.
We both, at times, took our 'time' for granted.... and...at times... each other.
We were a Hard Working Team... time... and a lot...of other things, had to put on the back burner, so we could keep a roof...over our heads...
I lost Dad... 27 years ago... there isn't a day... that goes by, I don't think of him... and miss him...with all of my heart... Unconditional Love... is a Priceless Gift... one, I carry with me... from Dad...
and now... John.
Just as, No One... could fill Dad's Boots.... No One... will ever be able to fill John's.... I have known that... from the day...we spent Fishing... along the Iowa River... and had our very first... Heart to Heart talk.
I...have lost a Huge, part of myself.... I, don't know who I am...without John... I, can't remember...that girl.
I do know... I'll keep moving forward... protect, with Everything in my being... what he held most dear... until I breathe my last breath... and... we meet again.
Love you Cindy... and Thank You... for being such a Gift... in my Life.
Barb C.

summersundays-jw said...

I, too, know the loss of a much loved spouse and will tell you (at least in my case) it does get better. It's been almost 6 years. I'm not giving you advice but sometimes I just want you to tell them you have nothing & file bankruptcy. Just praying for you to have all those worries instantly off your shoulders and feeling joy again. Think I'll go buy lottery tickets today....if I win, we'll pay off your debts:)

simplyiowa said...

Jan.. I know you suffered a Horrible Loss... like Cindy, and...myself.
John and I... have little... but our Home. We have one car...that is in this decade... {it's 6 years old... } everything else.. is running on a Wing and a Prayer... {and doing Very Well... at That! }
We have always...managed... and have never asked anyone, including the Government...for anything. I...really don't want to do that... now.
It just Angers me...when I see... people getting all sorts of Gov. Help... and still working and playing... yet, John...was entitled... and eligible... for medicare...{because he was 67, he should have gotten it when he was 65... } because he filed 'late' there was a waiting period...and they won't pick up those bills...
I was always.. chasing my tail...and working... not working on 'the system'...
My mistake.
I want to sit down...and talk to these people... who didn't 'worry' about the bills... until now.
We couldn't afford health insurance... I...still can't...
I want a bottom line... then decide, which way to go from there...
I'm so tired...of having this Guerilla on my back.
Whatever happens.. happens.. but I won't give up...everything...without a fight.
Until now... I have been fighting to get caught up on utility bills from winter... I couldn't work... enough... to keep the ball rollin'... Now... I'm working in Double Time... Triple Time...
Thank God...for the Folks... who 'Helped' out... while John was sick... I wouldn't have lights...or gas. I couldn't have dug out....
I, know... it will get.. 'better'... but... I know me, too....
Some wounds... never heal... ever.
Love You...
Barb C.

simplyiowa said...

Jan...
I Hope You Win The Lottery.. Too...
For You...
{but... I, think we Both are already...Winners... in our Lives... we are Very...Very... Blessed... <3 }

summersundays-jw said...

We are blessed.....for sure!